[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi