If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
sleeping beauty
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
@ candidates for local office
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.