*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
this is the best interaction on twitter
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”