On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
You Might Also Like
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My beach vacation Google searches
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit