Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ohen39's best tweets

@ohen39 : [gets pulled over] cop: do you know how fast you were growing? me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing? cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you've gotten so big

@ohen39: cop: we'd like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you're not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

@ohen39: alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I'll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello

@ohen39: [after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I'm done
me: ok now let's do a silly one

@ohen39: [first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he's mine now

@ohen39: me: I'm gonna spend valentine's day alone
doctor: no you're not
me: *blushing* are you asking me out?
doctor: no. you're dying

@ohen39: [sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex

@ohen39: [at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa's lap* I want my lawyer.

@ohen39: [on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*

@ohen39: wife: I am having an affair

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well