[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….