@ohen39: [birthday party]
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out
@ohen39: wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
@ohen39: doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
@ohen39: [having girl over]
me: I work from home
her: I thought u were a wildlife photographer
*loud lion noises from bedroom*
me: ignore that
@ohen39: me: *crying* I think I have lost my perception of time
doctor: when did it start?
me: [reaching for tissue] 6000 years ago
@ohen39: Cop: Sir, don't lock your kid in there, it's very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It's okay *leans in* it's not my kid.
*thousands of people turn around*
Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.