@ohen39: [first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he's mine now
@ohen39: me: I'm gonna spend valentine's day alone
doctor: no you're not
me: *blushing* are you asking me out?
doctor: no. you're dying
@ohen39: [sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex
@ohen39: [at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa's lap* I want my lawyer.
@ohen39: [on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*
@ohen39: wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well
@ohen39: [meeting girlfriend's parents]
her dad: we'll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
@ohen39: [birthday party]
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out
@ohen39: wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife