I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.