Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
*updates tinder bio*
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Digital security in Ancient Troy
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.