Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 馃榾
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
We鈥檝e run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Is it just me or does everything cost like we鈥檙e shopping in an airport now?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That鈥檚 adulthood….
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven鈥檛 vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Why would I get married when it鈥檚 a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it鈥檚 a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn鈥檛.
Job interviewer: so what鈥檚 your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords