I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
You Might Also Like
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
whatcha thinkin bout
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed