Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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The devil.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
584.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.