business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
This probably isn’t good
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no