Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
no cat here
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs