Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.