My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
The best plant holders?