Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?