[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…