Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*