Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
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If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”