My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender