“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.