STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
WHY would you be happy about this?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…