Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY