“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
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My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
opening twitter today
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”