[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
You Might Also Like
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.