Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of peteholmes's best tweets

@peteholmes : "dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you." - ancient nyc proverb

@peteholmes: i bet all the girls say "i bet you say that to all the girls" to all the guys.

@peteholmes: train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i'm glad you trained me.
i'm glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@peteholmes: just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."

@peteholmes: "Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression

@peteholmes: playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as "options."

@peteholmes: "When I call your name say 'omnipresent.'" - teacher to class full of Gods

@peteholmes: Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.