Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
do u think theres a butter planet?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Dead
Alive
Other✔
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking