Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
she has a point
How do I rate our solar system?
One star