Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of petemandik's best tweets

@petemandik : My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

@petemandik: I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

@petemandik: [long ago]
A: Ok, so let's mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

@petemandik: If someone tells you they don't like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

@petemandik: [touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it's not a teardrop tattoo. It's an Oxford comma.

@petemandik: In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

@petemandik: Scientists report global context shortage. "I guess I'll have flan," some scientist said, totally out of context.

@petemandik: I believe:
- I can fly.
- Children are the future.
- Knowledge is power.
- I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

@petemandik: ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

@petemandik: Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.