I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait