Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of phalguy's best tweets

@phalguy : How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways? How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom? *Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.

@phalguy: Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

@phalguy: I'm sleeping in this morning.

Bladder: MUHAHAHAHA!!

@phalguy: I just watched a tumbleweed get blown across the road.

I'm so jealous.

@phalguy: 10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

@phalguy: I'm at my most NASCAR driver when I really have to pee.

@phalguy: Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom

Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!

Realtor: It's not that kind of playroom

Husband: Nice

@phalguy: After watching Star Wars 20 told me he probably wouldn't go and see it again.

And now I'm thinking he looks a lot like my old mailman.

@phalguy: [At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?

Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff

Dentist: I'm not doing anything either.

@phalguy: I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns

Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.

All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!