Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one