FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
You Might Also Like
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
i would wish you the best but i am the best