What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Sorry. Not sorry
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown