@philco816: Note on the bed side table read "this isn't working," but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don't know what her problem was.
@philco816: Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.
Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.
Mb: I don't care just get it done.
@philco816: Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
@philco816: Kids we are running late let's go!
*Kids I'm going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
@philco816: *hands stranger a condom
S: I don't need this
Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak
@philco816: There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.