My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.