Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
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*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.