Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
You wish you had this many chins.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.