Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
absolute chaos
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.