if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”