Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Important
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds