A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
This 4th of July, please remember…
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.