Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE