My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
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That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I’m giving up ice.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Match dot com, but for socks.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars