Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
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One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My whole life was a lie.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!