Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.