@poutinesmoothie: It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
@poutinesmoothie: Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
@poutinesmoothie: [knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who's there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that's right, sorry... *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
@poutinesmoothie: *bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
@poutinesmoothie: Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
@poutinesmoothie: Lactose intolerant means you shouldn't eat dairy products.
Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don't have any toast and you're okay with it.
@poutinesmoothie: I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.