Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of poutinesmoothie's best tweets

@poutinesmoothie : If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

@poutinesmoothie: Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

@poutinesmoothie: It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

@poutinesmoothie: Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

@poutinesmoothie: [knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who's there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that's right, sorry... *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

@poutinesmoothie: *bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@poutinesmoothie: Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

@poutinesmoothie: Lactose intolerant means you shouldn't eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don't have any toast and you're okay with it.

@poutinesmoothie: I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.