These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up