Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.