G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
philosophical skeletons be like
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”