Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.