beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
NASA has no chill
This story is comedy gold 😂
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.