Funny Tweeter

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Page of protolalia's best tweets

@protolalia : "First time caller, long time listener" is a creepy thing to say if you aren't calling a radio station.

@protolalia: "You've got this," I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

@protolalia: It's sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it'll be another 2-5 years before they're single and ready to hang out again.

@protolalia: I'm 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

@protolalia: He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

@protolalia: Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

@protolalia: Me: You're kidnapping me? Where're we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

@protolalia: "Sorry, that was my bad."
"Your bad what?"
"No. I'm just sayin': Sorry. My bad."
"You're bad at completing an apologetic sentence?"
"Yeah"

@protolalia: You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.