i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
*pokes sex life with a stick
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.