*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
me adding lol on a serious message
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes